Friday, August 31, 2018

My genius will never be understood in my lifetime - it's okay, neither will yours.

Anyways, so I recorded this piss-funny black metal parody album in 2007, and it was meant to be stupid as crap. I had a dodgy bass guitar with a cheap distortion pedal and a tiny practice amp. I discovered that most of the chaps responsible for Norwegian Black Metal were just Dungeons & Dragons nerds (been there, done that). American Evangelists used to pick on D&D as the Devil's Game - and obviously they were right! I mean church-burnings? Murder? Yup, rolling them dice is rollin' with Satan, son.
Now how was I NOT going to make a band based around this malarkey?
Well, long story short, 666 Sided Dice by +3 BROADSWORD (album logo designed with a pen between my toes) was written and recorded in about 2 days. It has become a contentious, controversial album - you will find bootlegs of it on black metal blogs and ppl debating if it is trve kvlt - or trve bollocks.
It is both.
I basically tried to be as cliched as possible, and as raw as possible (BM is not supposed to be fun, remember all you pipsqueak youngsters out there: NO FUN, NO MOSH - BM is supposed to be yoo gee ell fuckin why).
Anyways, here's the best review I've come across:
www.metal-archives.com/reviews/%2B3_Broadsword/666_Sided_Dice/202893/Valfars_Ghost/362797#more

- it had me wiping tears with laughter. He totally nails how awful this thing is, but he also thinks I'm being serious.... XD

So while you read it, put on the album, just below:

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Did I tell you about the time I invented Steampunk?

True story.
Back in 1999, I invented Steampunk.
Complete with steam engines and Victorian gentlemen.
I've got proof- read on.

"But Mr.X, The Difference Engine by Bruce Sterling and William Gibson came out in 1990!", I hear you screech and rightfully so.


I didn't read that book till about... lemme think... 2005? Sounds about right. The above is the paperback edition I had. It's kinda good but kinda boring, I find Bruce Sterling has wonderful ideas (and I follow his tumblr avidly), but his writing is so dry and s-l-o-w.

But back to me.
In 1999, I got obsessed with the Eiffel Tower. It was in my head all the time, along with Wells' War of the Worlds. I knew these to be the greatest things ever, and the tower was the centre of the world. I started making artworks with images thereof.



This was going to be the ribcage of something bigger, but I liked it as is.

Then I discovered this song:

This song was waaaaaaay influential on my song-writing too!

Well, the deal was sealed, friends.

I invented a place called EUROPEA, where gentlemen with steam engines in their backs would roam. I thought the idea of a man with a chimney in his back was the best thing ever.

I was going to make a whole book about the word of Europea, but I never got there. Still, I made a few pikkies which are still around. So let's see:


For largely self-taught Photoshop in 1999, this ain't so bad.
Here's more:




Sunday Afternoon Music-lovers - this became the cover for the first Fat Little Bastard album [HERE].

And then came the Paris vs. Venus series, the idea being that in 1800 A.D., we got attacked by Venus. Things got bad, but we eventually beat them on April 27f (yes, April 27f, that's not a typo). Behold:

Paris vs. Venus, 1800 A.D.

Day Fifteen

Atomic Attack

Scopophilia Holocaust

Aerial Battle No. 39

Postcard of Venus

Day Fifteen prompted a friend of mine to declare "it's the most misogynistic work I've ever seen", which lead me to make business cards that said XTIAN - Surrealist & Misogynist - "I've yet to see a monkey with nice breasts!" (a quote from another silly conversation).

Anyhoo, I started collecting old pictures and maps and so on to make more Europea with, but the project stalled and I never got back to it. Then I discovered others were doing things like this too, which made me lose interest even more. I never go to putting cogs on a hat, but I did have goggles back in 2000, and I used to rock an old Victorian coat with Freemason regalia attached.

So there it is - I invented Steampunk, a.k.a. Europea without knowing it already existed. Feels good.